Yesterday my little guy and me headed into hospital bright and early for a planned surgery so he could have grommets put into his little ears. He has had ongoing problems with ear infections since his birth and with visits to emergency quite a few times leading to hospital stays for breathing difficulties due to viruses, his tiny ears were a little overlooked.
A few things changed as far as family structure a few months back which gave me back a lot of clarity and I regained those instinctive powers that mums seem to be given when their child is born.. As powerful as that mothers intuition is, its sometimes hard to go with the flow with a lot of other distractions and other's opinions. When my clarity came back it was pretty simple to pin-point even the earliest signs of my little man getting an ear infection such as sheer frustration and biting which is normally so unlike him.
It took a couple of these episodes and call-outs to the locum when I realised that this issue needed a little more attention than doctor visits and antibiotics. So a chat with our family doctor (who is fantastic I must add), then a visit to and ear, nose and throat specialist.. it was pretty clear which option we should take.. so the appointment was made at the hospital and yesterday was the day.
Zaccy being just a little teeny tiny tike.. got us to the front of the list so we pretty much went in straight away.. I got dressed in scrubs and in to the theatre I went, holding my little guy. I held him while the anaesthetist got him to sleep. He slowly drifted off to sleep and went completely limp in my arms. I kept the thought of him being able to hear better, him having more balance and him finally not being in pain when this was all over and done with to get me through till my boy was back in my arms. It only took about 15 minutes and I heard his little voice calling out 'mummee' down the corridor... I ran up to him and he literally leaped into my arms.
The next half hour or so was incredibly heart breaking as he was in, what the doctors call, post operative shock whilst the anaesthetic wears off completely.. he cried and screamed until he finally fell asleep in my arms watching 'go gabba gabba' on telly.. he slept for a good two hours making my legs go completely numb... all the nurses insisted I put him down in the cot so I can have a rest but I didn't feel right about doing so. My boy needed me and I needed to be right there holding him when he got up.
I watched his little face and examined every curve, every little mark and every gorgeous feature that made him who he is. I took photos on my iPhone to try to capture the beauty I saw.. but its different.. there is this angle that I think only a mother ever gets to see her baby from while they lay in your arms.. I have never been able to capture this on camera, but it is seriously the most heart melting view in the world..
As I examined those little curves and looked at those poor little tiny ears stained with blood from the surgery, I noticed a little green plastic tube. It was the grommet.. it had fallen out. I called the nurse and she got onto the doctor straight away. The doctor was down in minutes and herself in shock that it had fallen out so soon. She apologised profusely and said that this had never happened before.. but she really didn't need to. I was just glad I was in the hospital with my little guy alone, being able to focus on him and being able to listen to those motherly intuitions of not putting him down when the nurses suggested I did.
I had to decide whether to put my little man through another round of aneasthetic and go back into theatre to get another grommet put in or whether to come back the week after. After much consideration and discussion with the doctor we both decided that its best to get it done as his ears were in quite bad state. So my little guy had to go through it all again and I had to listen to those cries again.
My heart was broken, but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. Watching him today running around as if nothing ever happened, super stable on his feet and chatting with so much more clarity has mended my broken heart, put my mind at ease and reassured me that I really need to listen to my heart and to those motherly intuitions.